This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.
The original was posted on /r/hfy by /u/GeneralLeia-SAOS on 2024-07-03 01:37:46+00:00.
This was originally submitted for a writing prompt in humansarespaceorcs: Who left the human unsupervised this time?!
Perg and the ships security squad ran down the corridor as fast as their appendages would take them. The ships logistics specialist, Oxidize, had just returned from shore leave, unescorted…
Perg was nauseous with terror. It had been his turn in the duty rotation to escort the human during shore leave. Things went well the first few hours, until Oxidize had managed to evade him in a food market. Perg had stopped to purchase and eat a snack. One of the things that made humans difficult to escort is that they were able to eat while walking or engaging in other physical activities. When this was combined with a human’s suicidal curiosity, it was a recipe for epic disaster. When Perg was going to face punishment from the ships captain, he was going to request that he would be allowed to put a restraining harness on the human during future shore leave. Normally speaking during punishment was a gross violation of protocol, but any given situation involving the human, even in a tertiary manner, seemed to create exceptions to the rules. Perg had heard of one space station that allowed humans to carry weapons, because it had been determined that the human ability to weaponize anything, including eating utensils and floors, made weapons restrictions for humans completely pointless.
Perg and the security squad rounded the corner and saw the human about to enter his quarters. “Oxidize! Halt! Remain still, do not move!”
The human rolled his eyes as it turned toward Perg. “Rusty, Perg. Why is that so difficult? Is there a single translator on this ship that can get my name right?”
Perg looked at Oxidize, Rusty, over and noticed that there was a suspicious moving bulge in the abdomen area of Rusty’s coat. The ships sensor had detected that Rusty brought an unauthorized life form aboard. Pergs level of terror increased from nausea to the risk of losing consciousness. The human had obviously been attacked by a parasite, which was no doubt feasting on Oxid- Rusty’s internal organs. Normally this would be a ridiculous assumption, but humans came from a Class 13 death world and could naturally produce restricted super performance enhancement hormones at will.
Perg initially had dismissed such rumors as stories to entertain offspring, until he had seen Rusty loading supplies on a frozen planet. He had started by wearing an inadequate amount of cold weather clothing in below freezing temperatures. Rather than bring emergency medical supplies, Rusty had merely brought insulated beverage dispensers with hot beverages. As the day continued of loading the supplies, Rusty had built up enough of the performance hormones in his body to the point where he had stripped down to only one thin layer of regular clothing, not even cold weather gear.
Perg who was assigned to monitor the human that day, had inquired repeatedly about Rusty’s safety with the very real threat of hypothermia. Rusty’s reply shocked Perg, making Perg believe that he was having a psychotic or hallucinatory episode. “Perg, it’s ok. I just don’t want to overheat. Sweating in weather like this is NOT a good idea. I promise, if I get cold, I’ll put my coat back on. Besides, I’ll be fine as long as I have plenty of this.”
Rusty had patted the beverage dispensers. Perg sniffed the cup that Rusty was drinking from. Perg went from amazed to shocked. Rusty had mixed 2 poisonous beverages, hot caffeine and alcohol, and had been imbibing the noxious liquid all day. Between the hormones and beverage, Perg was certain that Rusty would collapse, and probably perish, at any given moment.
But Rusty just continued to work. He seemed aware of his impending demise, because he was playing loud music, in a uniquely human genre that seemed to praise combat and violent death. The name of the genre was quite telling: Hard Rock/Heavy Metal.
Perg spent the rest of the day watching Rusty work, holding up his coat and awed that his human crew mate had bonded so strongly with the ship that he would sacrifice his life to ensure everyone had supplies. When the work was finally completed, Rusty took the coat from Perg, but rather than wear it, had casually draped it over one shoulder.
Perg had notified the medical specialist to expect Rusty, who would be suffering from hypothermia, poisoning, and trauma induced delusions. Rusty did visit medical specialist briefly, requesting small bandages for flesh wounds he had acquired through the day but had not noticed. Perg and the medical specialist expected Rusty to require several days of recovery. Instead, Rusty simply ate a larger than normal meal which included a frozen lactose dessert (he complained about the cold outside the whole time he was eating the dessert), and went to sleep early.
The next morning, he did arrive 30 minutes late for his work shift. He apologized for sleeping excessively and explained that he had also needed a large morning meal to replenish his energy for the day. He then proceeded to work as normal. The medical specialist checked in on Rusty, inquiring about his general condition and the wounds he had suffered. Rusty just laughed, “I forgot about that doc. Shows what a good nights sleep and hot meal will do. I’m right as rain now.” As usual, the human’s statements made no sense, but as he didn’t express any distress, the medical specialist went on its way.
But back to the current crisis. “Rusty, we are here to aid you. Ships sensors detected that a life form was present when you returned. Remain calm, and we will safely contain it.”
Rusty rolled his eyes. He began an unzipping his coat. “It’s ok. It’s just a kitten.” The ships security crew had learned, the phrase ‘just a’ when used by a human, could mean zero possibility of danger, or a situation of extreme danger. The security squad immediately readied defensive weapons.
Rusty extracted a smallish creature from his coat. It began making noises and struggling. Rusty petted it and spoke reassuringly. The kitten continued to struggle, finally crawling up Rusty’s arm and sitting on his shoulder. Perg spoke. “I need to scan the creature, as per life form encounter safety regulations.”
Rust knelt down so Perg could scan it. Perg asked, “do you know which world is the natural habitat of this creature?”
Rusty nodded “yeah, it’s from Earth, my world.”
This caused consternation among the security squad. Earth was a class 13 deathworld not just for the extreme climate, but all the deadly animals whose sole purpose was to kill other animals, even if they had no intention of eating them. Even Earth herbivores were a source of mortal danger. Perg scanned the creature, his eyes widening in consternation. “Rusty, you are mistaken. It is actually a cat. Oh no! It is carnivorous, and it has a documented 60% successful kill rate when hunting! Whoever sold you this animal was extremely untruthful. We must contain and expel this creature immediately!”
Rusty reached up and took the creature in his hands protectively. “Guys relax. It’s no big deal.” ‘No big deal’ was another human saying that may convey complete safety or imminent danger. “Kitten is what we call the offspring of cats. I know about their hunting. Humans use them for pest control, to hunt and kill unwanted rodents and insects. Don’t worry, this little guy will earn his keep. Besides, look how cute he is!”
Perg marveled at the human psychological response. Humans found offspring of any life form, including dangerous ones, to be enjoyable. Perg waved the scanner at the cat. “How big will this offspring get, once fully mature? And how long does it take to reach maturity?”
Rusty replied “he’s about 8 weeks old now. He should be about fully grown in 2 years. Even if he’s Maine Coon, he shouldn’t get too big.” Rusty indicated the area around his knee, which was mid thigh to Perg.
Perg flustered a moment then regained his composure. “Very well. I do need to report this to the captain. The medical specialist should also examine it. It is being assigned the designation ECA-1.”
Rusty spoke “actually I was going to name him Peanut Butter.”
Of course. Peanuts were toxic to several humans, but humans who could eat them safely relished them in a variety of foods. In a human brain, it would make complete sense to name a carnivorous animal after a potentially deadly food. “Very well, it’s designation has been changed to Peanut Butter. What sort of equipment is required to contain this animal safely?”
Rusty laughed. “Chill out. I’ll find him something to eat in the mess hall, then a litter box. As far as contain it, good luck with that! It’s a cat. Don’t worry, everything will be fine.”
Perg tried to hide his overwhelming panic. ‘Don’t worry, everything will be fine’ was the most not hazardous/life threatening statement a human could make. The only thing a human could say that involved a higher threat level was ‘oops!’
“I need to report this to the captain and medical specialist immediately. Please ensure it doesn’t kill crew members.”
Rusty laughed. “No promises…”
Perg scurried off with the frightened security squad. While protocol dictated that the security squad would usually stay to monitor the potential threat, there would be very little, if anything, they could do that the human could not in regards to the animal. Indeed, leaving the security squad to monitor…
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/1du2ime/the_only_thing_more_terrifying_than_a_human_is/