⚠️ This post was translated from my native language using a machine translator, so forgive me for any grammatical errors.
Hello lemmy!
I’m struggling with a certain problem and don’t know what to do, so I’m seeking help here. However, before I describe the issue, let me outline our current family situation. I am 18 years old, my mom is around 40 but closer to 50, and she’s a wonderful, kind woman. About 5 years ago, I introduced my mom to the world of the internet and computer games. She plays various multiplayer games and meets new people through Discord.
Some time ago (around a year), she met a guy (around 20 years old) from an authoritarian, harsh country. They have been talking and texting each other for over a year, with almost constant contact. They reply to each other’s messages almost instantly, within seconds.
This guy, she met, eventually shared with her that his mother passed away a few years ago, he has no father, and he’s struggling, living with his aunt and cousin. Allegedly, his aunt treats him poorly, forces him to pursue studies he’s not interested in, and there are constant disputes, with his belongings taken away as punishment (e.g., phone, laptop). In short, a dysfunctional family.
One day, during a conversation with my mom, this guy mentioned that she reminds him a lot of his mother in character and voice. Somehow, it turned into him treating my mom as his own, over the internet.
Then my mom asked me and my siblings if we have any objections to calling him our brother and showing him love, as he is currently a mistreated orphan. Since it was just an online relationship, I agreed. After all, what harm could it do? If it makes someone feel better, why not? And so, my mom, my siblings, and I virtually adopted a guy from the internet.
Everything was fine until my mom suggested he escape from his authoritarian country, where he’s having a hard time, and stay with us for a while to find stable work and housing.
Here’s where things heated up. Initially, my mom wanted to give him a place in my room. When I said I didn’t want a stranger from the internet in my room, she started arguing that I called him a brother and that she knows him well, and ultimately, it’s her house, so she sets the rules.
I tried to explain my perspective, that it’s just an online acquaintance, and many things can be hidden online, but physical acquaintance is entirely different. However, she insists, arguing that she knows people who knew each other online for a long time and got married immediately upon meeting in person. She also mentioned that they (my mom end my virtual brother) had many arguments during that time, and in arguments, everything about a person comes out, so she would have noticed if he were a bad person.
Then she told me that I’m the only one causing problems about this, and my siblings and father have no objections.
I have him added as a friend on Discord. I don’t really enjoy talking to him because we don’t have common topics. He can’t play games because his current family took away his laptop as a punishment, but my mom forces me to chat with him…
Almost every conversation about him ends up in an argument between my mom and me.
Honestly, I don’t know what to think about it. What should I do? Has my mom gone mad? Or maybe I lack empathy and can’t help someone in need? And if I’m right, how do I talk to her? 😪
I’m curious, she states that she has argued with him in the past and that it would’ve revealed the kind of person he is.
What have they argued about in the past? I would almost say that having argued with someone multiple times that you don’t even live with is a red flag for happening at all, instead of a green flag that he’s not a bad person. I’m curious if the context of their argument would make more or less sense.
This is a good point! I’ll ask her
Are you seriously saying that people dont argue over the internet? Is this your first day?
I don’t mean random opinionated internet comment arguments. If I think about online acquaintances that I actually message privately, like Discord, then I don’t argue with any of those people ever. The people I actually privately want to know and have added as friends, anybody who id even come close to calling, for instance, “brother”, I don’t argue with any of those people.
Random dude on a message board who has awful takes, of course, but I don’t add that guy and send him money or consider letting him move into my house.
I mean sure, if you talk about common interests with people youre less likely to argue, but if you build actual relationships and communicate a lot, arguments are bound to happen. Not arguing with people you are actually close with seems unnatural, whether on the internet or in person.
I think it depends. I’m very logical and my brain likes to identify issues and cleanly solve them. Arguing in circles is a waste of time and energy. Basically, it’s complicated. I think the nature and frequency of the arguments are important to get a better idea of OP’s situation, that’s why I asked.
So you’re saying I waste your time?? I thought you liked me!