Warning: Dumping a relevant crappy experience I had yesterday.
spoiler
Yesterday, a teammate from my dance team that seems like she is going to be my dance partner for a performance invited me to eat after practice. I thought it would be a good way to get to know each other and bond so that we could connect better when dancing. Yo, she would not stop talking about herself, sometimes even sharing quite inappropriate information.
She would ask me a question, so I think I’m finally going to be able to share something about myself, but it was just a setup for her to talk about herself regarding that topic even more. For example, she would ask me what degrees I had. Once I responded, she would not engage with that at all, no comments nor follow up questions. She just goes off on talking about her education then changes the topic to whatever else. She also shared detailed stories about recent sexual experiences and dumped some quite traumatic experiences on me without even asking if that was okay. She was straight up trauma dumping while eating at a restaurant with someone she barely knows and may be stuck with for the next 3 months.
At one point, I just mentally checked out and went into “uh huh, ok, oh wow,…” automatic responses mode without even looking in her direction at all. I was just staring out of the window, sometimes following wait staff with my eyes as they walked by because that was more interesting. When we were leaving after the meal, she asked me if I wanted to meet up with her later in the week to practice. I must have been visually checked out because I couldn’t commit to any plans and she even mentioned that I looked tired. About an hour later, she texted me to make plans, to which I just simply said that we could check in with each other later in the week. You know that feeling you might get when you’ve been pushed past your limit and you can’t make the most minor decision because you seriously cannot even comprehend the situation and proposal while make a face like you’re in distressed? That’s what I felt like. The rest of the day I spent on the couch wondering, “WTH was that??” I’m still processing it…and I’m kind of worried that I will be stuck dealing with this dynamic for the next 3 months.
I guess I need to be more like the guy in the final panel of the comic, but respectful. Perhaps, I could say something like, “I would like to talk so that I could feel valued in this conversation as well.” But at the same time, I feel like if she doesn’t intrinsically want me to talk, then what’s the point? I do not want to force people to listen to me if they’re not interested. Also, it’s hard for me to realize that is what’s happening in the moment. It is usually not until afterwards that I recognize how the conversation went. In the moment, I just focus on the immediate social interaction, such as, “What is an appropriate response to this specific statement?” Not, “How is this conversation going overall?” Ugh, clearly I’m still upset and worried about the whole thing.
Any tips on how to get someone to stop sharing emotionally sensitive information? Like, I understand that sharing traumatic experiences can be helpful at processing and bonding, and I don’t want someone to feel like I’m insensitive to their pain, but I also don’t want to hear that from someone I barely know over a meal while I contribute nothing to the conversation.
Regardless, from now on, I definitely will not be alone with her except for when practicing dance in a public area. Lesson learned.
Warning: Dumping a relevant crappy experience I had yesterday.
spoiler
Yesterday, a teammate from my dance team that seems like she is going to be my dance partner for a performance invited me to eat after practice. I thought it would be a good way to get to know each other and bond so that we could connect better when dancing. Yo, she would not stop talking about herself, sometimes even sharing quite inappropriate information.
She would ask me a question, so I think I’m finally going to be able to share something about myself, but it was just a setup for her to talk about herself regarding that topic even more. For example, she would ask me what degrees I had. Once I responded, she would not engage with that at all, no comments nor follow up questions. She just goes off on talking about her education then changes the topic to whatever else. She also shared detailed stories about recent sexual experiences and dumped some quite traumatic experiences on me without even asking if that was okay. She was straight up trauma dumping while eating at a restaurant with someone she barely knows and may be stuck with for the next 3 months.
At one point, I just mentally checked out and went into “uh huh, ok, oh wow,…” automatic responses mode without even looking in her direction at all. I was just staring out of the window, sometimes following wait staff with my eyes as they walked by because that was more interesting. When we were leaving after the meal, she asked me if I wanted to meet up with her later in the week to practice. I must have been visually checked out because I couldn’t commit to any plans and she even mentioned that I looked tired. About an hour later, she texted me to make plans, to which I just simply said that we could check in with each other later in the week. You know that feeling you might get when you’ve been pushed past your limit and you can’t make the most minor decision because you seriously cannot even comprehend the situation and proposal while make a face like you’re in distressed? That’s what I felt like. The rest of the day I spent on the couch wondering, “WTH was that??” I’m still processing it…and I’m kind of worried that I will be stuck dealing with this dynamic for the next 3 months.
I guess I need to be more like the guy in the final panel of the comic, but respectful. Perhaps, I could say something like, “I would like to talk so that I could feel valued in this conversation as well.” But at the same time, I feel like if she doesn’t intrinsically want me to talk, then what’s the point? I do not want to force people to listen to me if they’re not interested. Also, it’s hard for me to realize that is what’s happening in the moment. It is usually not until afterwards that I recognize how the conversation went. In the moment, I just focus on the immediate social interaction, such as, “What is an appropriate response to this specific statement?” Not, “How is this conversation going overall?” Ugh, clearly I’m still upset and worried about the whole thing.
Any tips on how to get someone to stop sharing emotionally sensitive information? Like, I understand that sharing traumatic experiences can be helpful at processing and bonding, and I don’t want someone to feel like I’m insensitive to their pain, but I also don’t want to hear that from someone I barely know over a meal while I contribute nothing to the conversation.
Regardless, from now on, I definitely will not be alone with her except for when practicing dance in a public area. Lesson learned.