Obviously I can understand why mysoginists are hated upon, As their belief is all women are trash or men are superior etc. But why are incels also generally hated upon? They are lacking in a way that makes them unable to gey in a relationship, but that shouldn’t necessarily mean they are mysoginists, right?
What am I missing here? I haven’t ever had a relationship with a woman, but I don’t hate all women either. I just consider myself unlucky. Does that make me an incel?
Im pretty sure an incel blames women for not being able to get a relationship.
Its the change in mental framing from “maybe i should work on myself” or “i just havent had the right opportunity” to more of a “women hold too much power over me and are playing with me” or “ive done everything right, women owe me this”Wikipedia sums it up better than i can:
Description of incels
The subculture is often characterized by deep resentment, hatred, hostility, sexual objectification, misogyny, misanthropy, self-pity and self-loathing, racism, a sense of entitlement to sex, blaming of women and the sexually successful for their situation (which is often seen as predetermined due to biological determinism, evolutionary genetics or a rigged game), a sense of futility and nihilism, rape culture, and the endorsement of sexual and nonsexual violence against women and sexually active people.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incel
So, unless you find yourself blaming/resenting women, then you arent an incel. Your still just figuring things out like tge rest of us!
The term “Incel” started out as just meaning “involuntarily celibate”, referring to men who, like you and I, have struggled to form meaningful relationships with women.
The term actually originated in forums that were used as like a support group for men who were feeling alone, isolated, and alienated.
Unfortunately, if you get enough guys like that together, they might start riling eachother up and convincing each other that it’s not their fault, it’s the women’s fault. Remember, the one common trait among all these guys was a lack of ability to connect with a woman.
The word was coined by a woman and the support network she set up was for men and women. Until the space got taken over by bitter men blaming women for all their troubles and, here we are.
Came here to point this out, thanks for doing so.
For all others reading. This is the correct origin. It literally had actual, wholesome origins. That like almost everything, was ruined by selfish, entitled misogynist.
Hey, I don’t struggle to get meaningful relationships! Getting laid tho is a different case sadly
“Incel” doesn’t just mean someone who is involuntarily celibate.
It’s a bit like how “Democrat” doesn’t just mean someone who participates in a democracy and “pro-life” doesn’t just mean someone who likes life on earth.
Incels are a specific subculture, it has a violent misogynistic ideology and has spawned several mass murderers.
I am in a similar situation as you, I am 36 and have never been in a relationship, I don’t blame anyone, I am a bit sad about it when I think of it, but I can’t blame anyone for it, it is just circumstances.
I think that “incels” are defined by their feeling that they deserve a relationship with a woman, that they are being denied what they believe is rightfully theirs and that by just being polite they can convince a woman to fall into their arms.
I don’t concider myself an incel, for me based on circumstances if anything I have choosen to not persue a relationship, there are reasons for this, late maturity, being overweight, balding, concern for if I would find a woman who would be fine with me having zero experience in both day to day things as well as intimite moments.
But these are all problems that I have to work on, and I do my best with the tools I have.
Fwiw, about the zéro expérience thing, I hope you know that plenty of women would enjoy helping their partner explore how to share pleasure and day to day intimacy with them. Being inexperienced and realistic about it also means you won’t have that overconfidence that leads some men to disregard their partner’s personal likes, needs and body quirks, and that can be a very reassuring premise.
Source : this old crone was that woman once.
That is a very good point I had not considered, thank you!
Does that make me an incel?
Nope, it’s become a self identification ascribed to. Only defining feature of an imcel now is saying “I’m an incel”
And it happens to be that said communities are jam packed full of some extreme bigotry, hate, loathing, misogynistic behavior, etc etc.
Which means a person who identifies themselves with that crowd, can be assumed to be of the same cut of cloth.
In other words, a person like you would likely say “I haven’t been with a woman but I ain’t no incel though”, to signal you don’t identify with that culture.
Based on that last bit of your post, it sounds like you may actually not be that familiar with the incel community.
Short answer is that it goes much further than it seems at first glance. So,if you’re feeling unhappy about your prospects, I’d recommend looking into other communities for the sake of your mental health.
Honestly, just focusing on a hobby of some kind and making connections with the community surrounding it would be infinitely better for you.
I haven’t ever had a relationship with a woman, but I don’t hate all women either. I just consider myself unlucky. Does that make me an incel?
No, if you don’t hate women you’re not an incel.
No one is entitled to sex. That is not a right anyone has. Thus, the only way to be involuntarily celibate is being force to become a monk under threat or something. The idea that people are entitled to receive the love/sex/intimacy of others is fucked up and betrays the fundamental trust implied by consent. Which is the right of everyone involved to refuse, withdraw, or straight up remove themselves from participating in an intimate situation, at any time, without the need to provide any sort of explanation or justification.
The proposal that these people are entitled to sex gives rapey vibes and naturally generates disgusts in anyone who thinks rationally about the proposition for more than a minute. Because of the implication.
An “incel” is inherently and unavoidably misogynistic. The concept of being “involuntarily” celibate is implying that it is the other woman (or man) at “fault” for not allowing the incel man (or woman) to have sex when the incel very much wants to. Being an “incel” absolves the user of the term of any and all responsibility for their condition and is basically an admission that they will never work to improve themselves or make themselves into an attractive option for their desired mate. It turns their target into a complete sexual object without any other considerations for their own desires.
You can be single and celibate without being an incel. That is just called being single, but open to a relationship or casual sex. It’s also called being a normal ass human being who can hold a conversation and develop normal human connections without viewing anyone or everyone as just a slab of meat to be obtained.
Great answer, and to add to this:
There’s a world of difference between someone who’s single, not satisfied with it, and actively desiring/seeking a relationship (single and looking) and someone who actively self-identifies as inherently doomed to be single due to the actions/perceptions of others (incel).
People in the former category NEVER call themselves incels.
Yup! It’s a self fulfilling prophecy life, and then they wonder why they’re so lonely.
I feel that your second sentence is too narrow. It goes beyond blaming a woman (or man). It includes society in general and/or any external construct or group. They may blame genetics, the patriarchy, feminism, or whatever other Boogeyman they want.
The underlying issue is that they are absolving themselves of any blame and refusing to accept themselves as the cause. It’s unsurprising that this very concept is often a self perpetuating issue. Their incel mentality and refusal of accepting any responsibility pushes any potential women (or men) from a desire to be in a relationship with them. It also builds an “us vs them” mentality that is reinforced by the echo chamber communities they build for themselves.
This is vey true, they have almost as much as a hate-on for sexually successful men (‘chads’) as they do women in general (‘staceys’)
Yes, I suppose they can target basically any group, which makes my initial description too narrow. But I was focusing on addressing OP’s concerns of misogyny, which is gender focused.
The echo chamber is a very big part of it, you’re right. The more validation they receive for thinking that the “other people” are the problem, the more they think it’s okay to do.
Exactly. The issue with incels is that they actively do nothing to improve their chances in the dating world, and then instead of looking inward, blame women for their own shortcomings. “I’m a stupid moron with an ugly face and big butt and my butt smells and… women should still want to fuck me because I’m owed sex.”
Fuck these people.
You’ve already had some great answers, but I’ll just leave another point here for you to consider - they are literal terrorists.
Not one, but several have used their “inceldom” in their manifestos before going on mass shootings (often targeting, or trying to target women exclusively) and many other shooters were active members of incel forums (and many active incel forum users who still haven’t gone on a shooting spree openly talk about going on one).
I will strongly second whenigrowup356 - stay as far away from these people and their spaces as possible, they are toxic violent terrorists, and you should not only not want anything to do with them, but also not let them convince you to feel sorry for them, because as opposed to what they call themselves, the state they are in is anything but “involuntary”.
Lots of good posts here so far. Something I haven’t seen mentioned is incel fascination with what is essentially phrenology. “My jaw is only 34% as prominent as the ideal and therefore I will never know the touch of a woman”.
It’s a loser mentality for losers. They are projecting it onto themselves.
The hatred of women from them.
And the black pill element making it essentially a death cult
It is generally used to reffer to men who blame women for themselves not being able to get into relationships, not everyone who isn’t in a relationship
There’s something very unlikable about anyone who blames all their woes and mishaps on someone else.
For incels it’s the women who have ruined society, for MAGAts it’s the left, for tankies and left reactionaries it’s the libs.
The one true facet stringing them all together is their inability to take personal responsibility for their situations (especially when there is any amount of public scrutiny, pride limits their growth potential).
There’s a crucial distinction between someone that wants to have sex, but cannot, and someone that chooses to identify as that. To really become an “incel” in the negative sense, you lose the desire to have sex because being denied sexual contact by others is part of your identity now.
People that merely don’t find others that are sexually interested in them can do things to help themselves, learn better grooming habits, dress nicer, practice approaching and talking to people, etc. Someone that has adopted the identity of “incel” can only help themselves by changing their perception away from the toxic void they found.
