I have a problem with establishing boundaries.
I’m a private person. That’s very often misinterpreted as being arrogant and feeling superior to others. I’m not, I just wish to be left alone, but people still feel disrespected and it’s tiring to be constantly explaining yourself. And I don’t understand why I have to explain myself constantly.
This very emotional and thankful patient wanted a picture with me and I stupidly agreed. He also wanted my phone number (I gave him a false one) to invite me to have lunch, as he celebrated his 70th birthday. I don’t believe it was sexual or romantic, because he is married, his wife was there when he extended the invitation and took the picture and he also wanted to invite the whole unit.
I acted like this because it was the easiest way to get him to leave the hospital and free the room but also because I didn’t want to cause a scene.
What could I do next time?
I don’t think extra politeness is going to help you much here. If you don’t do what they ask you to do and they don’t understand why, they’ll probably assume you’re being rude, no matter which words or tone you choose.
You don’t need to explain yourself. Others need to learn to respect your choices about yourself. Yes, it’s tiring. It’s their fault, but partly your problem.
Your responsibility ends with “Thank you, but no.” Unfortunately, some people will feel hurt by this, no matter how cheerily you say it, because they simply don’t expect it. They will tell themselves that you are not being genuine by trying to both remain friendly and deny their request. You can’t change this; only they can choose to interpret your response differently. And most people never try this. Instead they merely expect you to be agreeable and do what they want you to do.
If you want to establish your boundaries, then you need to practise letting them feel hurt and not feeling responsible for it. This is one reason I meditate.
Peace.
If youre someone without a care for people or just plain socially inept then sure your advice can work.
All it takes is some social competency to understand how to politely reject someone even if it means changing your wording and tone.
You failed just now, so why would someone take your opinion about this seriously? (If this bothers you, then try reading it again in a cheerier tone. Oh! That didn’t help? Strange.)
You’re right they didn’t say it very nicely, but they are correct in a sense. You may need to use the “polite but firm card” if they aren’t taking no for an answer, but it doesn’t hurt to soften the rejection if you are saying no to a picture with a patient or someone else that you cared for. Many people will respect that, and the niceness goes a long way. And if they don’t respect it, you don’t owe them anything.
Yes. Of course. I fail to see where I suggested not softening the rejection. 🤷♂️
I write “You can’t make them take your no for an answer, they have to choose to do that. It’s not a matter of politeness and it’s not your responsibility.” and people draw conclusions based on facts not in evidence. That. Is. My. Point. Whatever you try to do, they’ll find a way to find you rude, so don’t take responsibility for that.
Moreover, let’s also remember that a less-polite “no” is still a “no”, and people need to learn to respect those, too. A sharper “no” is very often the result of 100 attempts to be polite and still be considered rude.
Hey, behavioral health clinician here. I get this a lot. The question is about boundaries. I’m seeing three kinds of responses: 1) lie 2) leave boundaries down 3) assert yourself. Obviously answer three is what you’re looking for, but the question is how. I like what u/FuglyDuck said: “ I appreciate the invitation but I have a policy to not meet patients outside of work or take photos with patients.”
Don’t think about boundaries as rules so much as walls. People who can’t assert themselves tend to have that wall down all the time and let anyone in. This can be uncomfortable, especially if you are a private person. So what is it that prevents the wall from coming up? A professional would stop here and let you figure out the rest but since I’m just a rando on the internet I’ll just take a guess and say maybe there’s some fear and guilt involved in not wanting to hurt the other person’s feelings or disappoint them or maybe just not knowing how to handle the change in atmosphere that you believe will come after setting the boundary up. And then I’d wanna know what makes you feel responsible for protecting their feelings, or what makes you assume it will hurt their feelings/change the atmosphere, and if there’s a way to carry yourself that preserves that emotion/atmosphere even after the wall is raised a bit. Phew, that was a long sentence. Anyway the more I ramble the less helpful this sounds, and that’s fine since I’m just a rando on the internet and not giving professional advice. Have a great day!