Today, before taking an Uber home, she sent me a text wanting me to be downstairs on the street to greet her as the Uber arrives. I read it and told her that yes, I’ll be there. I didn’t notice any further text because I was in the middle of something.
Later, I hear the door opening and went to our door to greet her, she was furious and refused to talk to me. I realized I forgot to turn my phone back from silent mode after work today. I told her that it is my bad, she still refused to talk to me. At this point, things are still normal for our relationship, she would usually become willing to talk after a while.
I usually go to sleep at 22:30 and she knows, so I thought we’d sort things out tomorrow and went to bed. I woke up in the middle of the night (later I found out it was 1a.m.) to her standing next to my bed (we sleep in separate bedrooms), and she began asking a series of pointed questions: “What would you do if you found out that I was gone?”, “What would you do if the CCTV on our street is broken by chance?”, “What would you tell my mother if I went missing?”, “If I was actually kidnapped, would you kill the guy for me?”
You know, the usual. I thought she’s just angry at me still and wanted to vent, so I went along with her for the time being: “I’d be very worried and look for you everywhere”, “I’d sue the city”, “I’d tell your mother exactly what happened and say I’m sorry”, and “I’d kill the guy who kidnapped you”.
She grumbled and asked a few follow-up questions, like “if you’re planning to kill the guy, what would you do with our cat?” But at this point, I think she’s finding it difficult to stay angry at me. I tell her again that I’m sorry I missed her text, and that next time this happens, she should just call me to make sure I see her text, but she left soon after without acknowledging my apology.
I know I’m in the wrong for missing her text. Not trying to argue otherwise. My question is, am I really responsible if someone kidnaps her between getting off the Uber and getting into our apartment complex? Is she trying to guilt trip me into thinking her anger is justified or am I really a horrible, kidnap-facilitating bad person for missing a few texts?
Edit for context: we live in a pretty safe city that ranks top 10 in the world on low crime rate. Also, thank you all for educating me on what gaslighting actually means. It was 2 in the morning when I posted this, I did not have the energy to find the answer myself.
Has any of you guys commenting even thought that they live in an overly dangerous place and she was genuinely scared?
Of course, waking him in the middle of the night was over the top and maybe a red flag, but anxiety can do that to you.
Who has CCTV in a residential street, that isn’t dangerous to walk through? Nowhere where I live, but I’ve been to some sketchy parts of Manila for example where my local friends would freak out at the thought of walking home from the corner alone. (“Oh my god, do you have a death wish? You can’t let them drop you anywhere that isnt directly your actual door! Someone will kidnap or kill you!”)
I think her behaviour was somewhat understandable if she was genuinely scared and felt let down by him because he seemingly didn’t care for her safety.
We all act irrational sometimes when we are scared, that doesn’t mean everyone has a personality disorder or someone even suggested schizophrenia. Seriously people! Cut others some slack for some irrational emotions every now and then.
OP, tell your girlfriend that you love her and care about her and that you’ll make an effort to be more thoughtful of her safety and her fears in the future. Because this just might be it. She felt unsafe and that you didn’t care if something happens to her. She probably had these thoughts on a loop in her head since she got home.
I’m generally pretty generous when it comes to realizing I’m hearing one side of the story and that it’s always much more complicated.
But, dear God man, if what he says is even remotely true and she was hovering over him while he was sleeping, and then when he awoke she asked if he would murder someone for her, and then what he plans to do with their cat after the murder, that’s not just being “genuinely afraid” and acting irrationally when in the middle of being very afraid.
She might be suffering from some anxiety that she needs to address, but let’s not play down how disturbing this is…especially because he called it “the usual.”