I’m learning that being told “you’re too sensitive” and other such remarks is considered gaslighting. However, as autistic individuals, we are known for being highly sensitive, both with perceptions and emotions. So, I find myself wondering if perhaps I need to consider that I am more sensitive than the general population and accommodate what I see as their insensitivity, dismissiveness, and blame-shifting.
How do you handle being told “you’re too sensitive”?
What do you think would be a healthy response?
I mean, be conscious of your needs, but anyone saying “you’re too sensitive” is pretty much universally an unhealthy person to be around unless there’s some real nuance to the situation. It means they’re dismissing your emotional reactions as unreasonable or otherwise not worth respecting and that’s basically abuse 101.
Find people who get you and accept you as you are. If there’s something about yourself that you struggle with, work on coping techniques and the like, but ultimately anyone who doesn’t respect you is going to abuse or hurt you even if it’s unintentional on their part. It’s why we’re several times more likely to be abused than neurotypical people: we’re constantly told that we’re being unreasonable and we tend to be far more accepting of others than they are of us, often ignoring abuse because we’re taught to internalize self-hatred from a young age. At least that’s my perspective as an autistic person with C-PTSD and a heck of a lot of trauma related to this sort of thing exactly.
The correct response to someone seeming sensitive or expressing a boundary is acceptance and respect, possibly followed by discussion on those terms when it’s not urgently in need of addressing. Ignoring boundaries is almost always either abusive or neglectful. Slips are going to happen, of course, but “you’re too sensitive” is an intentional attempt to dismiss your boundaries, not a slip barring exceptional circumstance.
There is no healthy response to gaslighting is what I have found, intentional or not. People will not change their perspective for you. Walk away.
“Walk away.”
While I have to agree 100% with what you say, because I have lived with that same motto for the last 40 years, it maybe ain’t really a solution in the end.
You’ll lose everyone (NT) you know because they are, at some point, all like this. So you’ll end up alone running away from yourself. Then go crazy, unless you can provide for yourself.
I’ve abandoned most of my relations, personal and professional, for gaslighting me. I walked away so far I (literally) ended up on the other side of the planet. They still gaslighting me.
I don’t have any advice, just a warning.
Interesting to see all the response here as I can relate to them so much.
I am pretty far gone on that journey, have always known the consequences. Had to leave a marriage because of this, will not ever work a big job again (despite having multiple higher degrees) and willingly so. Will walk away from everything eventually. All because the alternative sucks so horribly that I prefer it this way.
Absolutely. Not having a something is (almost always) better than having “problems” with that something, incl. people.
I didn’t know about my autism till recently, 40 years of age. Was “misdiagnosed” in the 90s, or my mom just didn’t want to hear the diagnose when I was younger with the hope I’d turn out okay, despite my very clear struggling at school/work for 28 years, which was when and why I moved country, where I now similarly struggle.
So I do realize that cutting people off as easily as we want is just a symptom of ours. Even when angry, others (NT) will soon get over it, even if we (ND) still hold an extreme grudge. Even though it also feels extremely good to get rid of them, it’s not a cure for this world, or our world.
I’m just trying to say it might be really hard for some people to cut others off, like I sure have done, and still have some “community” or support around them. To become self-sufficient, before turning to negative thoughts so to say. It sucks, and I know there is little help. Just tossing some virtual coins into the fountain here, wishing some youngster might get a better life than mine knowing what they’re about to go up to. Despite all the gaslighting going on.
Interesting to see all the response here as I can relate to them so much.
Same! I hadn’t realized we were having similar experiences, but it’s nice to know we’re not alone.
“I am not ‘sensitive’, I just take you by your word. If you don’t mean what you say, maybe better start thinking before you open your mouth.”
Wait, that’s gaslighting? Crap. I didn’t know this. I certainly don’t like being told that. I’ve had to put up with this a lot. I don’t have an answer, but you have given me some valuable insight, nonetheless. Thank you
Oh yeah! It’s gaslighting because the outcome is to have you doubt your feelings. Here are some other signs of gaslighting so that you could recognize it better.
You’re welcome! 😀
People who say that dont realize that we take everything seriously/personally. So a harmful comment hits harder more often. This is why i detest working in a team enviroment.
I try to keep in mind that everyone around me isn’t acting with perfect and constant skill or patience in their interactions, and have their own issues and anxieties big or small.
By that I mean “you are too sensitive” tends to come from someone being frustrated that they don’t know how to behave towards/around you. Often it helps a lot to forgive them the initial mistake of blaming you, assume their position for a bit, and approach them for a conversation starting with “yes, I am sensitive but it’s not something I can turn off”.
I could see this approach working, and I will take it into consideration next time. However, in this case, this isn’t the only instance of gaslighting. This person knows what they are doing and are certainly doing it purposefully.
My response would be, “You could be right.” Then I’d go about my life. I just let criticism roll off me like water off a duck’s back unless I think it’s valid. It’s hilarious to watch how frustrated they get when you’re unapologetically yourself.
At a younger age, I would just get confused and frustrated with no good way to address such issues. I never considered it gaslighting, though. They were being honest.
Today, I don’t bother. If someone tells me I’m too sensitive, I acknowledge that, from their perspective, I probably am. Then I disengage, get away as soon as possible, and avoid contact for a while. “A while” has sometimes meant “years.”
Find people to talk to about it and try to figure out if the problem is really you or if it’s them and they’re trying to put you down for it.
Getting really defensive will make people feel like they’re right.
So I followed this advice and talked to 2 friends and an autism therapist. They all agreed that the environment was unhealthy and that I could benefit from getting further away from that. In fact, the therapist was pretty clear on how unhealthy she thought it was, using professional psychological terms and everything. She was even able to predict things about them that we hadn’t talked about, so it was convincing.
Not autistic, but I’m an uncle of an autistic 5 y/o kid, and I constantly ask his parents what’s the best way to act and react around him, and I’m just glad I do that as that gets me closer to my nephew 🙂
I think you should be telling people what the autistic spectrum is, and that of course you will be too sensitive! Not everyone knows what it means, that it’s a spectrum.
Not autistic, but I’m an uncle of an autistic 5 y/o kid, and I constantly ask his parents what’s the best way to act and react around him, and I’m just glad I do that as that gets me closer to my nephew 🙂
Thank you for sharing that response! It tells me that there are considerate people and what I could be looking for in social settings: people that ask how to better accommodate my style. I could totally work on overlooking things to avoid being “too sensitive” but they could also try being more considerate. The fact that latter hasn’t been brought up is telling of the situation.
I usually tell people that I’m not too sensitive, but simply more sensitive than others like themselves, and that they just don’t want to be considerate because it inconveniences them.
Lots of people get super flustered when that gets stated calmly and without much emotion. The key is not to yell or get emotionally, but to state it very calmly.
That way, they can’t retort with personal attacks and actually have to address what I said. Usually they point out that others are not as sensitive, or that the world doesnt revolve around me. My reply in those cases depends on the situation. It could be something like “That’s true, but I’m not other people, and this noise bothers me. Why is it so important to you to keep making it?”
If it is a family member, I try to point out that this is my home and I would like to be comfortable there, and I would try to figure out how to find a compromise.
What i learned in two years of high school is, that it’s better, to not start an argument because of other people’s asshole-nesss.
I wish I knew the answer. It seems that the other responses suggest cutting these people out of your life, but in my case it’s my wife and coworkers. Cutting them out isn’t really an option.
Ugh, I’m sorry you’re in that situation. It seems pretty difficult to exist.
First of all, you’re not “too sensitive”. There is no such thing. You are just being yourself.
About how to deal with your parents/environment. I know it can be difficult (having made these experiences myself), especially if the other person is close to you and you are supposed to be able to trust them. However, let that criticism roll of, just like water that doesn’t stick on a duck’s back. Try to stay calm and clear in these situations and try to navigate yourself out of these situations.
