I know this is probably a shitposting meme. And my wife and my female friend, when I asked them, both laughed and said, “Yeah all the time.” I can’t tell if it’s sarcasm.
I asked this because Im a guy, and we’ve heard it all before. The guy plowing a warm apple pie. The ookie cookie BS. The jerk off with a sock. Dudes have done some weird things. I absolutely have found myself relieving some stress in interesting ways.
But veggies: Is this a common thing? Am I going to have to worry that my daughter, when she reaches a curious age, starts exploring with vegetables?
During puberty, should I start giving my children Amazon gift cards or no questions ask money to protect my produce?
I am aware this question is ridiculous and I am prepared to be ridiculed.
Is it normal for teenagers discovering sexuality to improvise sex toys? Absolutely. Cucumbers are generally a convenient shape and size. When I was a young male teenager, I used hotel shampoo bottles. (Almost got one stuck inside me, no idea what I would have done.) When the time comes to have that talk, mention sex toys and that if they want to experiment, they should use objects that are meant to be used that way and that you won’t judge them for it. I’d probably also mention that you won’t open packages addressed to them and leave it at that.
Also tell them: In the worst case, when improvising despite your warnings, flared bases are essential!
It’s a shitposting meme. The poster has this pinned on their twitter:
That said… I have heard horror stories about poor theater staff finding cucumbers after the 50 shades premiere. Some of it was just people memeing and trying to prank but I’m not entirely sure about all of it.
4chan greentext, but signing with your name? Brave.
don’t come texting me about none I said
She sounds like a smart one>
People are missing the more important question:
Why did she put the cucumber back in the fridge?Keeps it fresh for longer for as much fun as possible.
ient dirty joke. Back in the day kids you could find collections of them in printed books, and later, entire websites solely dedicated to hosting thousands of dirty jokes. They were presented in story format, often happening to your cousin’s friend.
Not saying no one had ever had this happen to them in the history of mankind. But this is also an old dirty joke that is probably more commonly repeated than acted out.
*WITHOUT WASHING IT! I mean, was she ok with it being eaten by another family member as long as it wasn’t her? That’s just as gross!
Yeah, that’s my main take away.
Not only did she put it back in the fridge in this completely fabricated story, but they did so without washing it?
Who does that?
You have to put it in lukewarm water for 30min / 1 hour too so putting it in the fridge seems counterproductive.
Well so I have heard, but it was for zucchinis (true story actually, but it was the guy explaining it, I have no idea if it was only used for stroking or penetrating or just to fool around with to lighten up the miod or something. I also recall something about peeling it but that seems wrong).
You better make sure your son doesn’t have access to coconuts
Or glass jars
I thought this was long gone with the annuals of time.
this was only 2 years ago, right? like maybe last summer or the one before
Or a melon baller.
Just don’t have him near african and european swallows and you’re good.
Too soon.
Or shoeboxes
or anything with a cavity inside
Or just anything
Definitely hide any cylinders tho
or coconuts
As a woman on Lemmy, I have never done this. I didn’t find penetration very comfy until I learned how to have G spot orgasms with my SO, but by then I was an adult and could buy a G spot dildo for times he wasn’t around. All I can think of with a cucumber is that something would break off inside me and I’d get an infection.
That kid just learned a valuable lesson about washing things off when you’re done using them. Especially food. Fucking gross lol
Maybe just throw the cucumber out if you use it that way
That is a perfectly good cucumber! Just picked the mother fucker. The salt and vinegar will sanitize it… And now you’ve got pickles!
Or just buy two. They’re not expensive. One for muff, one for salad.
Take their ‘joke’ seriously and buy them each their own vibrator/dildo combo. Be really serious about the whole thing; explain what they are, what they’re for, everything.
This way, if they weren’t joking, your veggies are safe. If they were joking, you have just completely topped their joke with your own.
Rabbits suck. Get a cordless magic wand (silicone head) or a we-vibe touch. If she wants a dildo get it separate (also silicone, I’m a bad dragon enthusiast but you can get great silicone dildos elsewhere)
Dad buying their underage daughter a dildo sounds like a good way to get canceled. Or worse.
I don’t think it’s a bad idea per-se but I can imagine a ton of ways how that could backfire.
EDIT: Yeah I misread that
OP was talking about his wife and her friend.
Dad buying their underage wife and her friend a dildo sounds like a good way to get canceled. Or worse.
I don’t think it’s a bad idea per-se but I can imagine a ton of ways how that could backfire.
Times are tough for underage dads in this cancel culture
And not to mention tough for their UNDERAGE CHILDREN!!!
/s
Dad buying their underage wife and her friend sounds like a good way to get canceled. Or worse.
I don’t think it’s a bad idea per-se but I can imagine a ton of ways how that could backfire.
I really dont need any more reasons to lick every dildo I find, but I’ll roll with it.
As the only female on Lemmy I’m here to say maybe. Possibly anything could be used for penetration. I have personally never used a vegetable. A cucumber could be too large and intimidating for a young girl so hair brush handles are top tier.
A cucumber could be too large
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Average men everywhere
It is not the size, it’s your ability to give me an orgasm I care about. Sincerely, a woman.
Seriously. I’m not a woman so my experience is from the other side of things, but if there is anything I’m glad I’ve learned in the bedroom it’s that you have to find out what she likes and not just assume. Not all women like being pounded like crazy and at the same time not all women like having their clit focused on. You need to find the sweet spot(s) and also learn how to use them, so to speak.
Absolutely. And a lot of women never learn to have G spot orgasms so it’s a learning curve for them too. But having them vs clitoral orgasms is like the difference between learning Spanish and learning Italian.
What is the difference between learning Spanish or Italian?!
Italian is more bellissimo. So is your G spot orgasm. It’s like 100 times more intense.
As the other female on Lemmy, I would be worried that a piece of cucumber would snap off mid wank and I’d be left trying to pick seeds out of my cooter. I have never done anything like this.
I will concur that I’ve never used a vegetable or fruit either. Just seems dirty. Toothbrush or other plastic toy were my first go tos, (plus bath water) but really, can’t emphasize this enough, a lot of girls don’t need penetration to get off. Just clitoral stimulation.
After talking to a few honest (or tipsy) women about their early sexual discovery I know the high likely hood of that Micky Mouse electric toothbrush getting absolutely violated.
Mine was like this long cylindrical toy that was basically a weeble wobble. And a kooshball at the end of a pen (for clitoral stimulation).
https://offerup.com/item/detail/577a38e0-dd43-30c9-b992-38d3645a9362
The koosh ball slapped, didn’t look exactly like the above. It was really really good. I’ve never been able to find something to replace it with and I’ve been looking for years.
lol, for boys it was definitely the “water snake”
Absolutely insane how creative a hard-up young’un can get.
Is standard procedure to rawdog the vegetable or are a combination of lube and/or condoms used?
Asking for a friend.
If your only option is a cucumber then it’s 100% raw dogged because you don’t have access to anything else.
I’ve used cling wrap. Keeps both the cucumber and my bits clean.
Now the big question. Was that particular cucumber eaten or discarded?
I used it to make Asian cucumber salad.
Curious. Now I’m feeling hungry.
Got a bit freaky with a friend once. I used the cucumber on her. We both ate it after. Don’t leave that shit for other people to eat. As long as they have common sense, you should be fine.
No joke, my mother used one when my dad was was away on work. I know because she forgot about it and my sister had the bright idea to go snooping around in her drawers one day.
I would hope that in our modern age with more access to privately get sex toys (thanks to the internet) that most people would not resort to using vegetables. However, is someone saw buying sex toys as somehow “wrong” then they might.
It happens yes, but I stopped because I understood that insects / mold / organisms grow on fruit and vegetables, so I think of it as gross now, but it beat a hairbrush handle.
Hope she washed it off well before putting it back in the fridge. So I doubt the post is real. As for the rest I’ll have to leave it to women to answer. But if you ever find your cucumber in the garbage, just leave it there.
Understood and thank you for your wisdom.
Do most people take food back out from the trash?
Only if you are George Costanza.
The eclair was more or less floating on top of the garbage. It wasn’t IN the garbage.
Yeah, to give it to the rabbits. Don’t waste food
Ohhhhhh, I didn’t think about that. I considered that the same as “discarded.” But now I feel bad how nonchalantly I was thinking like, “throw the cucumber of joy into the compost or let nature consume it”
I have a dog who doesn’t like most fruits or any vegetables. I’ve forgotten how easy it is to just give produce to pets such as bunnies or the
.
As a teen I had little to no interest in penetration. Tampons didn’t feel good, so why would I assume something else would? I wasn’t really interested in penetration until I was interested in my partner specifically.
Once I (eventually) figured out pleasurable masturbation, I still stuck with external stuff mostly, and fingers in general. Eventually I got a job and a debit card and could privately online shop, but my little bag of toys continues to go mostly unused. Nothing beats my fingers.
I don’t know about other women, but for me masturbation is and always has been much more about what’s going on in my head, and then adding the pleasurable sensations to that, rather than experimenting with different sensations.
For a beginner I literally cannot imagine a cucumber. How many dicks are as thick as a grocery store cucumber? None I’ve seen in real life. Maybe in porn, but I can’t think of any. It would just hurt. Beginners would need something maybe the size of 2 female fingers. (Maybe a farmers market cucumber that’s skinnier?)
This is the modem equivalent format for an ancient dirty joke. Back in the day kids you could find collections of them in printed books, and later, entire websites solely dedicated to hosting thousands of dirty jokes. They were presented in story format, often happening to your cousin’s friend.
Not saying no one had ever had this happen to them in the history of mankind. But this is also an old dirty joke that is probably more commonly repeated than acted out.
This is the modem equivalent
Nice keming
Lol good catch. It was totally on purpose and not swipe being swipe. Yep.
When your children start ordering packages, don’t open them and you’ll never have to worry about this.
I dunno, opening the package to see that it’s a dildo might give some peace of mind that they won’t be using the produce.
Now I’m wondering what would be an appropriate age to have that awkward “It’s ok if you want to play, it’s just much safer and more sanitary to use toys meant for the purpose rather than improvising with anything that is the right shape” conversation.
The best story I ever heard about this was a single dad who had to take his teenage daughter to the doctor because she got an infection from inserting a toothbrush handle or something else that wasn’t sanitary, and instead of giving her ANY kind of scolding or negative judgement, he was very loving and helped her laugh it off, and then he just left on her pillow a $100 gift card to Adam & Eve or some other large, commercial, adult site that lets you buy gift cards.
I don’t think it’s appropriate to even suggest an age here, but I think as a parent you will know when it’s time to have the talk/leave the card.
